Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
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I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
sliding into dms like
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.