[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Otters see a butterfly.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.