I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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My car is 13 years old.
I like how the ceiling fabric hangs down and makes it feel like a blanket fort.
[points at bank account]
“This is why we can’t have nice things! Or crappy things. Or food.”
You know who else has a naughty list?
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
hi senator, yeah it’s me again , how u been the last couple days? just want to go on record that I don’t want to be killed this way either