@IndecisiveJones

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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@PaperWash

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

@RobertManchild

My car is 13 years old.

I like how the ceiling fabric hangs down and makes it feel like a blanket fort.

@delusions_of

[points at bank account]

“This is why we can’t have nice things! Or crappy things. Or food.”

@Ygrene

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

@CantWaitToNap

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

@Douchekevin

A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.

@nigelgodwin

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

@murrman5

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

@hexprax

hi senator, yeah it’s me again , how u been the last couple days? just want to go on record that I don’t want to be killed this way either