@IndecisiveJones
@PaperWash
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
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@PaperWash
@RobertManchild
My car is 13 years old.
I like how the ceiling fabric hangs down and makes it feel like a blanket fort.
@delusions_of
[points at bank account]
“This is why we can’t have nice things! Or crappy things. Or food.”
@unravelingfire
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
@Ygrene
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
@CantWaitToNap
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
@Douchekevin
A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
@nigelgodwin
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
@murrman5
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
@hexprax
hi senator, yeah it’s me again , how u been the last couple days? just want to go on record that I don’t want to be killed this way either