walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
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[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right