@MNateShyamalan

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

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@StephenAtHome

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

@CAshmanActor

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

@MrSpoonicorn

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

@P1ssed_K1d

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

@flashember

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

@_steamy_mac

Her: Don’t make this weird.
Me: I don’t know any other way to do things.

@MindyFurano

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress