*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
You Might Also Like
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.