[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
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THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
a lot to unpack here
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here