@videojames_

[walking into my intervention]

me: is this about me talking to myself

me: yes

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@druuuck

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

@SamuelHLowe

– What’s your cell phone?
– iPhone.
– No, I meant the number.
– It’s a 6.
– No, to contact you.
– I don’t use it for that.

@AntozWolf

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

@SentenceReduced

It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.

@SamuelHLowe

I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won’t stop crying because I don’t use them.

@kylegaddo

“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed

@jeff_ratfamily

I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I’m driving

@phoebe_bridgers

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

@whatbabytalk

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.