Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
You Might Also Like
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
My sex drive has a dui
reduce, reuse, recycle