[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
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Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.