[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
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Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*