*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
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“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
What an awful time to have common sense.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.