@sarcasticmommy4

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

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@meganamram

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a cow.

Cow: what do I eat?

God: you just can’t get enough grass.

Cow: like a lawnmower?

God: uh sure.

Cow: I guess that makes me a lawnMOOer lol.

God: was that a cow pun?

Cow: yes did you like it : )

God:

Cow:

God: it was udderly adorable : )

@JimmerThatisAll

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

@causticbob

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

@peb671

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

@OakHill_

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

@FredTaming

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!

@TequilaSaltlife

Them: Can you fix my computer while I am at lunch?

Me: You do know IT people eat food like other humans, right?

@JPLFR80

Somewhere out there, my soulmate is adorably pushing on a pull door.

@kelkulus

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.