Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*
Marriage level: Expert
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God: you’re a cow.
Cow: what do I eat?
God: you just can’t get enough grass.
Cow: like a lawnmower?
God: uh sure.
Cow: I guess that makes me a lawnMOOer lol.
God: was that a cow pun?
Cow: yes did you like it : )
God: it was udderly adorable : )
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Them: Can you fix my computer while I am at lunch?
Me: You do know IT people eat food like other humans, right?
Somewhere out there, my soulmate is adorably pushing on a pull door.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.