Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
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“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato