@WheelTod

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

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@ellewasamistake

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

@WriterWBipolar

Jim Carey is cursed with having all knowledge of the universe but when he tries to share it people just think he’s funny and laugh.

@ManJuggs

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

@EricGoldie

You’re right, homeless man on the subway…it is a “clip your toenails into your McDonald’s cup” kind of morning.

@ElizaBayne

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

@SamuelHLowe

– Hello, princess. Can I call you princess?
– No.
– OK then, Mr. Smith, let’s just get started with your prostate exam.

@ParaJanitor

I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money…uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.

@NicestHippo

Emperor Sleepoleon, we urge you to change your name to appear less lazy to your people.
Oui, I shall dial it back, BUT ONLY SLIGHTLY