TacoBell – America’s preferred over-the-counter laxative
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
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morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Jim Carey is cursed with having all knowledge of the universe but when he tries to share it people just think he’s funny and laugh.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
You’re right, homeless man on the subway…it is a “clip your toenails into your McDonald’s cup” kind of morning.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
– Hello, princess. Can I call you princess?
– OK then, Mr. Smith, let’s just get started with your prostate exam.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money…uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
I got new batteries
~me flirting with myself
Emperor Sleepoleon, we urge you to change your name to appear less lazy to your people.
Oui, I shall dial it back, BUT ONLY SLIGHTLY