[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
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Wait a second…
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.