My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
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“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
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In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
🙂🙃🥹
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Unimpressed
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.