Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
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me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
There’s always that one guy
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.