@ShutUpThatsWho

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

You Might Also Like

@SamGrittner

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

@thevickster_sa

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

@TheSwanDon

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

@LeahsLounge

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

@PinkCamoTO

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

@Livsey1

If a crackhouse is filled with love, it becomes a crackhome..

@pinupteacher

Looking out the window, some kid on the plane asked why everything was getting smaller. Haha, what a dummy. WE’RE getting bigger. Kids, lol.

@BoothysTweets

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]

@rn_murse

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

@kibblesmith

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey