I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
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When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
If a crackhouse is filled with love, it becomes a crackhome..
Looking out the window, some kid on the plane asked why everything was getting smaller. Haha, what a dummy. WE’RE getting bigger. Kids, lol.
[goes to walmart]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey