[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
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Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal