@_elvishpresley_

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

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@dafloydsta

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

@KeetPotato

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

@Luiki89

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

@RidiculousSheri

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

@XplodingUnicorn

[driving]

Wife: Horseys!

Me: The kids aren’t in the car.

Wife: I said it for me.

@liv_thatsme

*writes kid’s name in sharpie on arm every morning instead of getting tattoo just in case they end up being a disappointment*

@EmmyStar79

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

@SortaBad

Why I don’t get dates:

Her: It’s been light-years since I’ve had this much fun

Me: Actually, a light-year is a unit of distance, not time

@MarfSalvador

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please