Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
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[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
“absolutely no reason at all”
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Me: The kids aren’t in the car.
Wife: I said it for me.
I left the womb for this?
*writes kid’s name in sharpie on arm every morning instead of getting tattoo just in case they end up being a disappointment*
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Why I don’t get dates:
Her: It’s been light-years since I’ve had this much fun
Me: Actually, a light-year is a unit of distance, not time
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please