[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
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When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape