[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
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this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Alexa: *deep breath*
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.