[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
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Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Very good news from my accountant
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.