Sometimes it’s nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
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Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I’m so sorry, dinner fork, but my wife is taking you to work. She’ll probably abandon you there, returning with a different fork, might even be a dessert fork. I know, this is hard. There’s no fixing her psychopathy…
It concerns me when someone comes out of the bathroom stall and has to wash their hands all the way up to their elbows
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight