@Kateness8

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

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@UrbanDouchebag

Sometimes it’s nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.

@weinerdog4life

Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.

@AnitaHelmet

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

@sirivan

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

@curlycomedy

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

@MomentarilyMatt

I’m so sorry, dinner fork, but my wife is taking you to work. She’ll probably abandon you there, returning with a different fork, might even be a dessert fork. I know, this is hard. There’s no fixing her psychopathy…

@Parker_Simpson

It concerns me when someone comes out of the bathroom stall and has to wash their hands all the way up to their elbows

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

@ch000ch

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight