[walking somewhere]


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*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles


My minivan has this cool anti-theft system called its a minivan


GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this


Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.

Me: How many more until you get a personality?


Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.


Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.




“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s


1) Print out all your favstar trophies and fold them so they are 2D

2) Put them on your mantle

3) Invite dad over

4) Become favorite son



Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*