@Kateness8

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

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@mattZillaaaa

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

@thatguyJA

My minivan has this cool anti-theft system called its a minivan

@Holy_Mowgli

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

@OfficialMizGin

Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.

Me: How many more until you get a personality?

@Bob_Janke

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

@moooooog35

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

@wendchymes

“Ouch!”

“Ow!”

“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s

@Mikecanrant

1) Print out all your favstar trophies and fold them so they are 2D

2) Put them on your mantle

3) Invite dad over

4) Become favorite son

@Book_Krazy

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*