[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
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God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
That earthquake could have been an email.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.