*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
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My minivan has this cool anti-theft system called its a minivan
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
GOD: no you’re fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.
Me: How many more until you get a personality?
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
1) Print out all your favstar trophies and fold them so they are 2D
2) Put them on your mantle
3) Invite dad over
4) Become favorite son
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*