[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
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“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????