We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
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Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
o shit
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
For anyone who needs this today
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker