[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
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them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….