“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
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Never go to sleep after making me angry
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.