Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

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2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets


I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.


‘welcome to helicopter class. any questions..’
*student raises hand*
*arm gets obliterated by chopper blades*
‘can wait until we go inside’


Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.


Hurts So Good is my favorite song about eating a bowl of Cap’n Crunch.


My gf told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don’t shine.

So I sent it to Seattle.

Women make no sense some days.


Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.


Date: Are you ready to take on another man’s child?

Me: yes


Date: This is..

*I knock her kid out with one punch

Me: too easy!


My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.


It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.