Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
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Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.