Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

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The only way I’m letting you in my house is if you end up being 200 pancakes stacked in a trench coat.


Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.


Flight to Vegas…guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.


My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes


Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.


St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here


Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.


God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?