The only way I’m letting you in my house is if you end up being 200 pancakes stacked in a trench coat.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
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Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Flight to Vegas…guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
I just think of unfollowers as me paying my Follower Tax.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?