*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

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Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?


When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power


*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?






Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely


If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!


I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.


People think it’s great if you like kids but will freak out if you assign an age.

I like 10 year olds.

See? Creepy. I’ll wait in the van.


If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar


Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.


The girl I just showed off my Fitbit to thought I was really cool until she saw my heart rate increasing with every second she spoke to me