*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
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Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.