@squirrel74wkgn

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

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@Cadmarch

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

@HLFHM

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

@sarcasticmommy4

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

@prufrockluvsong

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

@sweetg35

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

@causticbob

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

@DaHess1

People think it’s great if you like kids but will freak out if you assign an age.

I like 10 year olds.

See? Creepy. I’ll wait in the van.

@envydatropic

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

@LEDawes

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

@adamhess1

The girl I just showed off my Fitbit to thought I was really cool until she saw my heart rate increasing with every second she spoke to me