@squirrel74wkgn

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

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@CheetoBandito77

Eating a solid brick of Ramen is probably the easiest way to remember I need to pay the water bill.

@GrandadJFreeman

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

@ThRealBallsDeep

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

@Mr_Kapowski

“Don’t tell me how to raise my cat!,” I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who’s chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat’s mouth

@KalvinMacleod

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

@Jake_Vig

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

@blakeshelton

I’m so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted “Why y’all checkin’ me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!”

@afloodofblood

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

@notmythirdrodeo

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

@Angrea

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.