*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
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[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper