*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
You Might Also Like
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.