[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
You Might Also Like
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Dear karma: perhaps we could be partners? You’re doing great work, but I’ve identified a bunch of people you’ve overlooked.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow