@TheAlexNevil

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

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@Be___Dope

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

@ShutUpThatsWho

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

@amydillon

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

@SaraMansford

Dear karma: perhaps we could be partners? You’re doing great work, but I’ve identified a bunch of people you’ve overlooked.

@TitansHomer

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

@cravin4

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

@HousewifeOfHell

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.

@MaMikeamo

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

@LackOfShame

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow