*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
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My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Jail
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”