*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

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It’s fine to eat chicken with skin but serve beef with skin and everybody just starts freaking out.


This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.


My cat is rubbing herself all over me because she wants me to stroke her.

It’s like she’s a drunk version of me.


My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I’m suspicious that I’m up to something i dont want myself to know about.


You’re a loose cannon, Detective. Hand in your badge. AND your gun. AND your badge that is actually a gun. AND your gun that shoots badges.


Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. The worst that can happen is embarrassment, social shame and everyone thinking you’re an idiot


trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence


“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.


My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.