@iwearaonesie

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

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@kumailn

It’s fine to eat chicken with skin but serve beef with skin and everybody just starts freaking out.

@ColoradoUgly

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

@Dash_of_Crazy

My cat is rubbing herself all over me because she wants me to stroke her.

It’s like she’s a drunk version of me.

@Miss_Firefly_

My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I’m suspicious that I’m up to something i dont want myself to know about.

@boring_as_heck

You’re a loose cannon, Detective. Hand in your badge. AND your gun. AND your badge that is actually a gun. AND your gun that shoots badges.

@jacob_swift16

Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. The worst that can happen is embarrassment, social shame and everyone thinking you’re an idiot

@alexisthenedd

trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence

@IamJackBoot

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.