[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
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When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
best review i’ve ever seen
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…