*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
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everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
jesus, what did this guy do
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again