[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
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here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Shower sex be like:
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive