*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
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[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
My birthstone is kidney
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.