I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
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It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.