*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
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[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them