@ladybroseph

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

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@glazerboohoohoo

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

@JT_IV_

Men simply like to adjust their junk,
it’s not pocket science.

@JayCee302

The asian girl I’m playing chess against is really hot, you might say she’s worth a…

*puts on sunglasses*

“Second rook”

@zebrasyndicate

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

@TweetPotato314

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

@sarcasm_inc

Me: I’m hot blooded check it and see got a fever of 103!

911: Did u call earlier about having a bad case of loving me?

M: maybe

911: stop

@ALLCAPSBRO

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

@ShortSleeveSuit

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

@ArfMeasures

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no