I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
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Men simply like to adjust their junk,
it’s not pocket science.
The asian girl I’m playing chess against is really hot, you might say she’s worth a…
*puts on sunglasses*
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Me: I’m hot blooded check it and see got a fever of 103!
911: Did u call earlier about having a bad case of loving me?
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no