@ladybroseph

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

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@patnspankme

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

@Mostly_Cheese

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

@markedly

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

@cravin4

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

@CrockettForReal

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

@tweetsbyrocket

me: when can i get on the barbell

gym guy: sorry it’s a long wait

me: i know what it is

@MouthOfSass

Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.

@KolbyEatWorld

Any 2 white guys could walk up to me and say “we’re The Chainsmokers” and I’d believe them.

@mrtruthandsoul

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

@weinerdog4life

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds