*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
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The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks