*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
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[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.