[walks into 4D ultrasound office]

Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women

Me: I just want to see my burrito again

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Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”


[preppin for rap battle]
*pops retainer out*
dont wanna give him any ammunition
*takes off suspenders*
that should do it
*rollerblades away*


WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes


[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*


I’m no architect, but I don’t think it’s possible to build a city on rock and roll.


My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.


The Taliban heavily overestimates the need for monkey-bar training.


I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”