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What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Does this dress make me look cat?
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.