[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
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“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Oh the world we live in…
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…