*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
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Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
This fish is cracking me up
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets