I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
You Might Also Like
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?