Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
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Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.