*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
You Might Also Like
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
#parenting
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I remember when things only cost an arm.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
christening a ship with an overripe banana