*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
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*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
don’t be scared
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.