*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
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Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING