*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
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inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
selfie game
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Seas the day!!!!
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am