*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
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murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
i think both sides are to blame here
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I am patiently waiting for your email