(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
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“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.